Palmer today!
This email talks about suicide, so I wanted to give you a heads-up in case it is triggering for you
Sometimes I forget. I forget the feeling of pressing a gun barrel to my temple. I forget how hopeless and scared I was. I forget the days, weeks, months, and even years when I had to fight as hard as I could every day to not lose the battle to depression and kill myself.
I still struggle with depression to this day, but it rarely, if ever has been as dark as it was when I was a teenager. Sometimes, I forget how all consuming the depression was. I forget that there was a time when I believed there was no option but suicide. I forget the despair and loneliness I felt every night when I went to bed.
I know this might be a heavier topic, but it is National Suicide Prevention Month this month, and the topic of suicide is very personal to me.
In all honesty, I really do forget how close I came to dying by suicide as a teenager. To me in a world of chaos and feeling like my life was out of my control, holding a gun to my temple reminded me that if needed it could be my escape. It brought me comfort knowing it was an option.
The part that is so hard for me is knowing how many people struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts in complete isolation. There are many causes for a person to feel depressed and suicidal, but suicide only feels like an option when our minds don’t believe there is any other options to escape the pain we are feeling.
Having been on the side of thinking suicide was the only option I promise you it’s not something anyone chooses for themself or can easily snap themselves out of. I was scared and alone. I felt ashamed and weak. No one had any idea how close I came to killing myself. When I told my parents in my early twenties, they had no idea. Seeing them be so surprised felt surprising to me because I had felt as a teenager that it was so clear I was on the edge which I had told myself back then meant that they were seeing my pain and still didn’t care enough to help. Clearly it was a lie my brain had been telling me, but I never knew that back then.
Suicide is in the top 3 leading causes of death for teenagers.
Most parents I have talked to or read about who have lost their kids to suicide share how they had no idea things were so bad. There are kids who come from abusive homes and have more obvious contributing factors; there are also kids who appear 100% fine who have few or no contributing factors. They might play on sports teams, be involved in clubs, have great grades, good friends, and strong family relationships, and yet still be in a dark enough place where they may die by suicide.
(The photo above is from a seemingly happy time but was actually during the middle of my darkest days)
My hope for you as a parent is never to assume your kid isn’t at risk. Don’t assume your kid’s friends aren’t at risk. The best line of defense against depression and suicidal thoughts is to bring support and create room for open conversations about it because, so often, those individuals are feeling alone and hopeless and that no one cares. You also can’t live your life constantly in fear that your kid might be suicidal. If I ever learn how you can have that perfect balance, I will let you know. My mom’s email from last week does a great job talking about the concept of “GO SLOW AND CREATE SPACE” for opening up meaningful room for your kid’s to talk.
Don’t be afraid to ask about suicide or depression, you asking in a loving and open way won’t cause things to get worse – it might be enough to give them a chance to shine a light on what is consuming their life. However, I do encourage you to educate yourself a little bit on suicide and depression, as well as how to have conversations about them. Once you have done so, a question along these lines could save their life: “I don’t know exactly what you feel, but I know it might be very hard. Other people in similar situations have thought about ending their lives. Have you ever had similar thoughts?”
Here are some links to different resources and information on better understanding risk factors, stories, and techniques for supporting kids with depression or suicidal thoughts. There are many more out there, so please let these be just a starting point.
Risk and Protective Factors for Suicide: https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/risk-factors/index.html
“Suicide Prevention: 12 Things Parents Can Do”: https://www.healthychildren.org/English/health-issues/conditions/emotional-problems/Pages/ten-things-parents-can-do-to-prevent-suicide.aspx
Ted Talks about suicide:
So often, people struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts are looking for something that brings light into their life, so please do what you can to help be the spark they need.
Your family is lucky to have you and don’t worry about being perfect 😊 Please reach out if you have any questions, need help, or want more resources.
Lots of love,
Kerry and Palmer
