Raise your hand if.....

Dear Friend,

Kerry here!

Raise your hand if you're a child of divorce.

Raise your hand if you are separated or divorced.

Raise your hand if you have walked with someone through their divorce.

Raise your hand if you love or care about a child of divorce.

Which ones did you raise your hand for? My hand is up. So is Palmer's.

When my three boys were young, I struggled for years with a question I couldn't answer. Which was going to be worse for my kids: to live in a home with fighting and tension... or to be children of divorce?

Honestly, I hated those options.

I wanted the happy family and white picket fence I thought I had signed up for.

What I finally figured out was that my most important commitment was to give my kids an emotionally healthy environment, no matter what it took. Their mental and emotional health had to override my desire for those dreams I had when a younger version of me walked down the aisle. My only option to give my boys that, for at least 50% of the time, was to divorce.

I promise I did my very best to make it as painless and as healthy as possible! But despite my best efforts, there are things I wish I had known. Things I could've done differently. As my kids hit their 20s, I could see with more clarity which things went well and which things I wish I could go back and change.

So what to do with all that hindsight?

Palmer and I made a class. If you're new to this email, Palmer is my middle son, and he's a marriage and family therapist, as am I. He's also one of the three boys who lived through that divorce. Palmer and I have brought together both of our perspectives, mine as a divorcing mom and his as a child of divorce, to create a class on protecting the mental health of children of divorce. It's the class I wish I could have had when I was walking my kids through that painful time.

Over the next few months, some of our Sunday emails will include stories about children of divorce and what actually helps them cope. If divorce has never touched your family, please stay with us. The tools we'll share, like how to keep a quiet kid talking or how to notice when "fine" isn't really fine, can help every family. If you want more on keeping kids talking, I wrote about that here: The best thing I've heard a dad say.

And if you know someone in the thick of it right now, would you please forward this to them?

Almost everyone raises a hand when Palmer and I ask those questions (above) in our presentations. Every one of them can make a difference for a kid going through it.

So what does that mean for you, whether or not you are divorced? Research by Emmy Werner and Ruth Smith found that resilient children often have at least one additional caring adult beyond their parents. That could be grandparents and stepparents, teachers and coaches, neighbors and friends. All those who raised hands.

Here's an example of one approach: some of my close friends and family have leaned in closer to my kids than they might have otherwise. Tucking them into family dinners, mentoring them through job searches, being intentional about lunch dates... you know, doing the kind of activities that make a kid feel seen and supported. I am certain it has made my kids' lives better. I have tears in my eyes just writing about how much bonus love and attention my kids have received from these caring adults who understand the toll that divorce takes on a kid, even if they look like they are fine.

So how about you? Do you have a divorced sibling or friend with kids? If so, do you have bandwidth to build a stronger relationship with their kids than you might otherwise? Doing so could make a much bigger impact on a kid's life than you might think. If you're raising a child who is struggling right now, you might also relate to If you're raising "that kid," hang in there.

To my friends who have done so: you know who you are. I can't thank you enough for the love you are pouring into my kids even to this day. XO (More tears in my eyes.) To those of you already showing up for kids who need some extra support, mwah!!

With love and gratitude,

Kerry and Palmer

P.S. You can learn more about the class at careforthekid.com.

P.P.S. You're invited! Palmer and I will be guests at a free online Lunch & Learn, "Protecting Children from the Hidden Emotional Impacts of Divorce," with divorce coach Cat Climaco on Wednesday, October 14 (12:00 to 1:00 MT), and we'd love to see you there!