Why I Sent My Son to Talk to Strangers

Dear Friend,

It was a Friday night, and I was already tucked in bed when I heard a noise that pulled me out of sleep. I padded out in my robe and slippers to find Palmer, 14 years old, gym short pocket stuffed with a beer he'd raided from the fridge, hoping to slip back downstairs undetected. If you're a parent wondering how to handle teenage drinking, this story is for you.

And there I stood, tired and caught off guard, realizing I was being handed a pop quiz. Right here, right now. Sigh. Bless this child. He has always had a gift for creating situations where I have absolutely no idea what to do.

I honestly don't remember what I said that night. What I remember is what I did after an emergency session with my therapist a couple days later.

Here's what I didn't do:

I didn't yell. I didn't lecture. I didn't punish. (It would have felt deeply hypocritical after all those years of teaching parenting classes.)

Here's what I did do:

I decided Palmer needed more information about the risks of underage drinking… from someone other than the mom he was busy pushing away. So I wrote him a letter. (You can read it below.)

In it, I told him that before life returned to normal, he needed to interview three professionals about the dangers of teenage drinking. I gave him a list of questions and let the rest unfold.

What happened next still moves me.

He spent two hours with an E.R. doctor who gave him her time, her care, and her most sobering stories about what alcohol does to a developing brain. He walked into a police station and sat down with an officer who had seen things he couldn't unsee. He talked with an addiction therapist about how alcohol opens doors to harder, more dangerous drugs.

Three strangers. Three hours of his life. Conversations I never could have had with him myself in that season when he was pushing hard against me.

That's the point I want to make: when our kids are headed somewhere dangerous, sometimes the most powerful parenting response is to bring in other voices. Other adults who carry knowledge, credibility, and no emotional history with our child. (I write more about staying connected through the tough seasons in Please Take Good Care of My Boy.)

My goal was never to make Palmer suffer. It was to make him think… about risk, about consequences, about his own relationship with alcohol.

We parents spend so much energy trying to be everything to our kids. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is admit we're not, and trust that there are other good adults out there who are willing to help. If you're also finding it hard to get through to your teen right now, you might recognize yourself in Outwitting My Sneaky Teenager (Without Grounding Him).

Click Here to Read Kerry's Letter to Palmer

Have a wonderful day!

Kerry and Palmer