Dear Kerry: “I Feel Like a Bad Mom,”

July 26, 2018

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Letter from a Mother

Dear Kerry,

I feel like such a bad mom! Obviously, I wanted these kids. Most importantly, I love these kids. Even so, I end up yelling at them and I feel so bad. I hate how mean I can be when I get frustrated. How do I stop?

From Bad Mom

Dear Bad Mom,

Oh, honey, I’m sorry you feel so bad. I’ll share an honest and personal story:

When my boys were 10 weeks, 4- and 7 years old, I was at a family camp with Barry & Joyce Vissell (www.sharedheart.org). In a workshop for the adults, they instructed us to sit quietly and think about a part of ourselves that we keep tucked away and don’t share with anyone else.

The leaders asked us to think about what we are ashamed of about ourselves. As I sat there with my eyes closed, my littlest baby in my arms, tears started pouring down my face. I knew what I was most ashamed of and I hated to admit it.

Sharing My Experience of Teaching Parenting Class

What was I most embarrassed about? I was ashamed to get so mad at my precious little boys. Whereas I wanted to have them. I wanted to stay home with them. It felt lucky to be a mom. And yet, sometimes when they fought or yelled or didn’t listen and I was tired and overwhelmed, I ended up yelling at them.

To add to my guilt, I was teaching parenting classes by then, which made me think I should be the perfect mom who could always handle it. Wow, was that ever wrong?

When I tearfully shared the part of me I hid from everyone, the leaders asked everyone else in the room who was a parent to raise their hand if they ever felt the same way. Do you know what happened?

Every single parent in that room raised their hand. I looked around in awe. I was seriously dumbfounded. Everyone? Even that family that looked perfect? Even the sweet mom who seemed to have her act so together? Why hadn’t anyone told me???

Undoubtedly, It seemed so unfair that this was such a well-kept secret. I had felt so chaotic and like a bad mom and here I was, finding out that every. Single. other. parent. Felt. the. same.

No One Is A Bad Mom

On that day, 16 years ago in July, I vowed to come out of the closet about my mom’s shame. To this day, I think we moms could help the sanity of all parents if we just acknowledged to younger, newer moms that they are not alone when they feel this way.

If I were to start a club, I’d call it the “674 Things They Never Told Us About Parenting Club.” We would all share the things that have surprised us about parenting.

One of the first and biggest ones would be that it is utterly, completely normal to feel surprised about how much harder it is than we thought to be consistently kind, loving, and patient with these precious little people who have so many needs.

So hang in there, “(Not) Bad Mom.” Next time you hear someone say that I feel like a bad mom, just hug her. You might do everything humanly possible to be a great mom and STILL feel you’re not doing it well enough. Now you know the best-kept secret: we all feel that way.

Warm regards,

Kerry

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Kerry Stutzman

My therapy, parent training, and speaking practice are born out of a passion for making the most of this thing called Life. I see the world through the lens of relationships. My work is all about how we relate – to ourselves, to people in our lives, and to the Divine. I especially love helping parents be their best selves… because that is good for their kids and is the foundation of close, connected families.