Kerry here: Today is a day to celebrate and honor fathers! Dads, have you paused to reflect on your influence on your kids?
You have the power to be a life-altering force for good. You also have the power to pass on painful generational patterns that were handed down to you. Either way, you have a tremendous impact on your children, possibly more than you realize.
In my work as a family therapist, I meet teens and young adults with very different views of their father’s impact on them.
Here’s what kids sound like who have the gift of warm, loving dads:
Values and Lessons
Q: “What are some of the most important lessons your father has taught you?”
A: “To be self-sufficient and independent. He’s taught me a lot about love. He’s a very good example of how women should be treated. He treats me very well. He’s taught me how you can hold on to your childhood playfulness even when you’re older and still be silly and hold joy as a core part of your life.”
Support and Encouragement:
Q: How does your father support you in your goals and dreams?
A: “He calls and checks in on me all the time. He’s interested in what I’m interested in, and asks to hear my stories. He’s very reassuring when I do things well and even when I don’t.”
My own dad has been my role model for providing support and encouragement. If anyone has taught me the power of just showing up and offering to help, it’s my dad. He carves so much time out to support me, listen to me, help with my kids, and support whatever challenges I take on. I don’t know how he has made it through so many decades without giving me unasked for advice, but I admire him for it.
Here is how kids sound when they have harder dads:
Role Modeling:
Q: How does your father handle challenges or difficult situations?
A: “Passive aggression.”
Legacy and Future:
Q: What kind of father do you think you will be (or hope to be) in the future?
A: “The opposite of my dad.”
Each of the dads represented in these Q&A’s is a man who loves his children and wants to be a good, loving father who feels close to his kids. Some men were given the gift of a life that makes it easy for them to be a force for good in their kids’ lives.
Some men have endured more hardship and have a bigger hill to climb when it comes to being a father. Show me a man who is too hard on his kids and I will show you a man who was once a tender, sweet little boy who was the child of at least one harsh or unavailable parent. This means that this little boy may have missed out on the nurturing and emotional safety he needed. Fast forward to when he is a dad and it’s tough for him to give his kids what he didn’t receive as a child.
For fathers to heal the unmet needs of your innocent, young selves and turn off the triggers that lead to angry reactions may be the most transformative, generation-healing work a father can do. It’s like being the domino that refuses to let future generations be knocked down by toxic family patterns…. It takes a lot of strength and courage to change family patterns. Learning new, updated models of parenting that foster connection with children can help change the family legacy.
For partners, I know it can be tough to watch a dad be hard on your kids. In a calm, tender moment, can you ask him what he longed for from his father? Then invite him to provide that to your kids if it seems like that would also serve the children well? What if you gave him an empathetic touch and asked him to model how he hopes his kids grow up to treat the next generation?
Everything a dad does is a lesson to his kids, whether it makes them aspire to be like him or to be the opposite of him.
To all the dads, whatever your style, whatever your past, I send you love today. I see your humanity. I see the tenderness inside you. I see how much you want to be a good dad with great relationships with your kids. If you are doing your work to change unhealthy family patterns passed down to you, I salute you. You are making the world a better place.
