What Your Kids Learn About Love by Watching You (It Might Surprise You)

Kerry here. 😍

Your children learn what love looks like by watching you, so don’t forget to keep loving your partner through parenthood.

Single? Don’t forget to keep being sweet to yourself as you parent.

As a marriage and family therapist, I see it so often: a couple comes in for therapy or parent coaching after years of raising kids and the relationship is strained. They still love each other, but the lubricant of humor and compassion for one another is drying up. Their kids aren’t growing up in quite the happy, warm, relaxed family that the couple dreamed of creating together. The parents have poured themselves into parenting at the expense of romance and self-care.

They didn’t mean to end up like this.

They want their kids to grow up with a good model of a loving partnership.

If you ask yourself, “What are my kids learning about love by watching me?” are you happy with your answer? They are watching you and learning so many things about relationships, like:

Love in Action: Kids absorb their understanding of love from their parents’ relationship. They see how love is expressed through actions like affection, communication, and support.

Conflict Resolution: Children learn healthy ways to deal with conflict by observing how their parents handle disagreements. This includes respectful communication, compromise, and forgiveness.

Commitment: A strong marriage shows children the importance of commitment and perseverance in a relationship. They see that love takes work but can last through challenges.

Emotional Security: A loving and secure marriage environment fosters emotional security in children. They feel safe knowing their parents have a strong bond and support system.

Self-Care: By prioritizing their relationship and practicing self-care, parents model the importance of taking care of oneself within a partnership.

Unhealthy Habits: Unfortunately, children also learn from unhealthy dynamics. Constant arguing, disrespect, or a lack of affection can teach them negative ways to interact in relationships.

Quick Tips

Here are a few quick, practical ideas to put more focus on modeling a loving relationship, either with a partner or with yourself. It’s good for the kids, and it’s good for you, too!

1. Check in: Before you come together in the evening for family time, do a quick check-in by phone or text. Ask, “How do you feel and what do you need?” Be conscious of what state of mind you are in and what you can do to help yourself show up well for the evening with family.

2. Set a reminder: Say to Siri on your phone, “When I get home, remind me to pause and set my intention.” With a location reminder set, every time you pull up to your home, you’ll get a little reminder to be conscious of how you want to show up with your kids, yourself, and/or your partner.

3. Hug it up: When you come together for the evening, hug until you both relax. Full body hug until you feel yourself soften into your partner’s arms. And for a cherry on top, look each other in the eyes and smile.

4. Have a seat: Find a way to have a little sit after your work (or parenting) day, before diving into family time, and catch up with each other. If you’re single, take a little time to journal and reflect about your day. Model for your kids that your relationship is worthy of carving out some time each day for you to enjoy each other.

5. Make date time a priority: This is time to relax in each other’s company. It’s not time for business meetings about kids, schedules or finances. It’s for one thing only: to have fun with each other. Pinky promise each other that date night is for keeping the spark alive.

6. Do something out of the box! My friend Francisca Figueroa-Mix is a dancer and therapist. She’s hosting such a fun, connecting dance workshop for couples on Saturday, July 13th. It’s an out-of-the-box idea for an afternoon date with guaranteed laughs, moves, and connection. Or check out Eventbrite in your area for fun, fresh ideas.

I wish you love and warmth in your heart, your home, your family, and in our world. Not perfect love, because there is no such thing. Just you, me, and all of us being as loving as we’re able.

Happy 4th of July week!