Three weeks ago, Palmer and I traveled to Columbus to present at a conference about teen mental health. After a long day of travel, we were finally in our hotel room. I was ready for a fun dinner out, but he was stressed and needed space.
Palmer faced a choice: he could either push through dinner pretending to be sociable (likely ending in snippiness), or he could be honest about needing some downtime and face my response.
As I write this, I flash back to one of my biggest blowups with this same kid when he was about 12. He needed help on a big school project. I told him I’d be happy to help until 9:00 that night. At 8:50, he finally was ready to work. I was fuming that it was so late. I had a dilemma: work for 10 minutes and stop – which would honor my boundary but create some loud, hard-to-take pushback from him. Or I could cave and just stay up and help him. You might hope I was healthy and/or courageous enough to pick the former, but I did not. I took the path of least resistance.
Because of my choice, Palmer’s 8 year-old brother didn’t get much of a tuck-in. Palmer was more into dawdling than working. I got tired and grumpy. Long story short, by 11 PM, with my alarm set for 4:30 AM, I snapped. I was mad. I yelled. I had tried to be “nice” by disregarding my own feelings and needs, and it led to me being anything BUT nice.
So back to the hotel in Columbus, Palmer faced a similar choice: honor what he needed or opt in to interaction that he didn’t have the bandwidth for. Thank goodness, unlike me fourteen years ago, he chose to honor what he needed. We ended up having food delivered to our room and watching football. It was a peaceful, pleasant evening.
Sometimes it doesn’t feel great having boundaries set when you’re the receiver. And it can take courage to be the one setting them because initially, they can feel distancing. Like me going to bed when I meant to or Palmer not having a dinner out with me. But it’s a paradox: when I said “yes” to be nice, I actually ended up being mean. When Palmer said “no” to dinner in order to honor what he needed, we had a warm, pleasant evening followed by two more days of conversation and togetherness.
In this busy season, we parents often discount our own needs for quiet, help, sleep, or downtime in an effort to be ‘nice.’ But remember: when we can’t say ‘no,’ our ‘yes’ doesn’t mean much. What benefits our children most is seeing us model self-kindness and healthy boundaries. When we honor our needs, we show up with fuller, more loving hearts.
Have a wonderful day!
Kerry and Palmer
