Kerry here!
The Sunday before Thanksgiving: it is game-on for moms. “Dreaded December” and “May Madness” – two months that I both loved and dreaded when my kids were home. I loved them for the fun and magic I created, but they were also the most stressful. Why? Because we moms bend over backwards to create special holidays and celebrations for our loved ones. We are the makers of memories, the creators of traditions.
But for so many of us, we go beyond what’s reasonable. We pour so much into celebrating others that we lose sight of ourselves, becoming “human doings” instead of human beings, prioritizing endless tasks over rest and centering.
Fear not! While this effort often goes unrecognized during childhood, there may be moments like I just had last night. My twenty-something son mentioned the social media trend about young adults realizing that their memories of childhood holiday magic wasn’t actually magic… it was their mom creating it all. It was so sweet to hear him acknowledge what had been invisible to him for so long.
Looking back, I don’t regret the holiday celebrations I created. But I do ache for more memories of going slower and being more present.
I’m not pretending I’ve figured out balance during these busy times (and just because kids leave home doesn’t mean it stops). But I want to share a skill that might help you find grace for yourself:
“Oh, Honey”
When I’m wound up tight, trying to get everything done, I look for my “Oh, Honey” voice. She is my internal future wise, nurturing self looking back on today’s Me with compassion and a warm smile.
She says things like: “Oh, Honey, of course you’re stressed; you’re doing so much for so many people.” “Oh, Honey, of course it’s hard to give yourself a break when you were raised to put everyone else first.” “Oh, Honey, of course you’re tired. This is a lot.”
When my “Oh, Honey” voice speaks, I feel warm and cared for, like a gentle, reassuring woman sees and validates my experience. She’s the kind voice that offsets the inner critic.
As Thich Nhat Hanh said, “An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, the negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you.” We can choose to foster a sweet, compassionate voice instead.
How to develop your “Oh, Honey” voice? For me, it was mostly therapy, plus spending time with people who treat themselves and others well. Here are some practical steps:
- Partner with a friend to practice this skill. Check in daily about your self-talk and share what you wish you were hearing inside your head.
- Exchange encouraging voicemails or texts with those nurturing messages.
- Place sticky notes with kind words around your house.
If you don’t have an “Oh, Honey” voice yet, hit “reply” with what you wish that voice would say to you and your phone number. I’ll leave you a voicemail with that message for when you need to hear a kind voice.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Kerry and Palmer
