The Key to Reaching Your Kids

Palmer’s turn for the Sunday email!

I took the hint for what to write this week’s email about.

Three different conversations with clients this week made one theme crystal clear: so much family conflict stems from kids feeling like they aren’t being heard by their parents.

Let’s address a common objection upfront: kids say some dumb stuff. They’ll confidently spout things that make no sense to us, but to them, not being heard can lead them to feeling like their parents don’t care even though you and I both know that isn’t the case.

These arguments usually happen because kids want to share their perspective, and so do parents. Both want to feel heard. I often see parents steamrolling their kids’ views because they’re “the parent” with more life experience. And sure, sometimes what your kid says is just bananas. Like yes…because I won’t let you play video games for 6 hours a day means I don’t love you. Got it.

But here’s the secret: hearing your kid doesn’t mean you have to agree with them.

When kids say things that seem ridiculous, it’s easy to dismiss them, but it’s rarely about the words they are saying. What matters is the deeper emotion they’re trying to communicate. If you want any chance of them hearing your perspective, you have to discover and validate their emotion first. Otherwise, your comments, opinions, and advice might as well be toilet paper.

When parents push back on this idea, I ask them to think about how it feels when their spouse completely disregards what they are saying because they’re too busy pushing their own perspective. It feels awful, right? It can escalate fast – raised voices, talking over each other, or total disengagement.

Now think about a time when your spouse listened to your concerns before sharing their own thoughts (if you’ve been to couple’s therapy this will be familiar). Almost everyone I’ve talked to agrees they were so much more open to hearing the other person once they felt heard themselves.

In adult relationships, ideally you split who leads 50/50. With kids, though, it’s often on the parent to go first. When you help your kid feel heard, not only do you build trust and healthy attachment; they’ll be way more likely to actually listen to you. Maybe they’ll only use your advice to blow their nose instead of wipe their…well, you get it.

In the three cases I saw this week, simply acknowledging a child’s emotions led to an almost immediate shift. Conversations that could have turned into shouting or door-slamming (one started there) resulted in meaningful and productive conversations.

This isn’t easy. If you need 5–20 minutes to cool off before finishing a tough conversation, take it. Showing up as your best self makes all the difference.

Also, I’m sorry if people in your past didn’t take the time to help you feel heard and seen. It makes it that much harder to give it to your kids, but given you’re reading this email, I hope you’ll be able to give that gift to your kids. Expect a little foot-stomping or eye-rolling as you practice, but trust me, it’ll be worth it.

Grateful to my mom for helping me feel heard. She wasn’t perfect at it but did a dang good job overall.

Thank you for being intentional with your kids, I am grateful for you 😊

Kerry and Palmer 🙂

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