Bless my kids and their cranky days! If my three boys were perfect angels all the time, I’d probably lose my credibility as a parenting instructor. Thankfully, they give me plenty of relatable experiences.
Just the other morning, I was right on the edge of yelling. Two of my boys were involved in their favorite sport, which I call “Combat Brothering.” It started innocently enough, with snide comments and under-the-breath criticisms about each other’s breathing, chewing, or even how they fed the dog. Soon, it escalated to shouting and tattling, eventually culminating in gumdrop-throwing—all over my freshly cleaned carpet. After a loud complaint about spelling words, one son ended up sent to his room to “get sweet.” But he came back down too soon, still slinging word-darts. I could feel myself reaching the breaking point, knowing I was just a few steps away from yelling.
In that moment, I remembered a friend’s technique for cooling things down and sent my son to run around the block. Predictably, he shot back, “You come with me!” I glanced down, realized I was still in my running shoes, and said, “Fine!” Out we went on a beautiful spring morning, and as we ran, I had a realization: If we parents want to stop yelling at our kids, we have to learn to prevent escalation in the first place.
When we’re calm, our brains work better and we’re more likely to use the parenting strategies we know. But once we’re on the edge, it’s like an oil spill: the pressure builds, and suddenly it’s impossible to hold back, leading to a “spill” of anger that coats everything in guilt and tension. Parental yelling is no different—it’s best prevented before it starts.
Stopping the yelling habit takes effort. A helpful technique I use is going “brain dead” (a Love and Logic™ strategy) when my kids argue or yell. This approach keeps me from engaging in the chaos, reminding me that staying calm is my job, not theirs. After all, as Hal Runkel says in Screamfree Parenting, “Parenting is about parents, not kids.”
