You got me for this lovely Sunday! Palmer here 🙂
This might be the most powerful tool humanity has at its disposal. If used properly it can do everything from bring together strangers to uniting nations… but don’t quote me on that! 😅 What I love most about this tool is that it can create more connection between families and loved ones.
So, what is this “tool” I am talking about?
Asking Questions! Don’t leave, I’m serious.
Questions are one of the coolest things ever. They have saved my life and countless others. They have brought my family closer together, helped me find my purpose, drawn me into a goal of experiencing life to the fullest that I can, and helped me realize the countless ways I still have to grow. I could name a specific few moments I was asked questions at various points in my life that ended up changing my journey forever.
Asking questions can change our perspective. They can help us understand someone’s view or actions in a much deeper way – and this is especially true when trying to understand why your kids might make the decisions they do.
I was recently in a session with a father and son who have really struggled with their relationship. They don’t see eye to eye and this leads to a lot of arguments, coldness, and anger. I started the session by trying to guide a conversation between them, but realized quickly that that approach was not going to work. They looked like me and my mom back in the day. It just led to more arguing.
I decided to pull out my good ‘ole game of questions Jenga. On each Jenga block, I wrote a meaningful question to open the conversation up. When you pull out a block, you have to answer the question on it. So it’s basically self-inflicted reflection. Not a targeted question from mom or dad.
Once we got a few turns in, my mind was blown away by how open and honest they were with each other. The dad started sharing about his childhood and how hard it was. The kid shared why he struggles with school. By the end, they both said something along the lines of, “I never knew that about you” or “Wow, that makes sense why you feel that way.” And it all started from a few questions.
Open-ended questions can be a powerful tool to help us understand each other better. Without asking questions, we can end up making assumptions based on what we believe to be true, not necessarily what is true.
If you create a heart of curiosity you begin to realize that everyone has a complex interwoven story that has led to who they are today!
So, this is my challenge to you: instead of assuming the intentions of your kiddos, ask them questions! Let them ask you questions at the dinner table. Dive into deeper, more meaningful conversations together.
To help with this, I’ve included some question cards at the bottom you can print off that cover a range that I love to use. I encourage you to print them out and ask them in the car, at the dinner table, on a walk, anywhere. I think you’ll be amazed at what you learn about each other 😊At a minimum, you are modeling a heart of curiosity. I used to fight my moms question cards and now I ask people questions for a living.
Also one question from a different bucket I use a lot is when you are going to asking your kid “Why didn’t you do X”? instead ask “What got in your was from getting X done?” or if it’s for a future action “What would stop you from doing X?”. It’s a small way to help them not get as defensive and potentially encourage more reflection.
Warmly,
Kerry and Palmer
