This week’s email applies to every single person, and you can take that to the bank.
I have compiled a list of around 150 of my favorite takeaways while completing my master’s degree at Northwestern for Marriage and Family Therapy – This is one of my favorites!
It is simple yet ESSENTIAL to incorporate into our lives if we truly want to live our best and most vibrant lives.
It comes from Harville Hendrix and his wife Helen Hunt and is called the “Spot on Your Back” metaphor. The idea is that all people have a spot on their upper back between their shoulder blades that, no matter what you do, if your only resource is yourself, is impossible to see. Now, I’m sure there is someone in the Guinness World Record book who has the most flexible neck who can…blah…blah…blah. That’s not me; that’s not you. If you want to crank your neck far enough to need a chiropractor, feel free to give it a shot.
We can only see so much of ourselves and ultimately are limited. A mirror, you think…smart. In this metaphor, however, other humans represent the mirror.
Very often, people become mirrors in our lives without us even realizing it. They end up showing us some of those blind spots in ourselves. Kids are GREAT at this, and so is your partner, especially when you get frustrated with each other. You can be a level-headed, organized, and grounded individual and then, an hour later, be all sorts of worked up. Mirrors can be a stranger, a coworker, or a friend. Those people and interactions can be forceful mirrors showing us what we might be oblivious to – impatience, anger, jealousy, frustration, deep insecurities, or unhealed parts.
While I am grateful that people are forced to look in a mirror from time to time, I don’t feel that we often see those moments as the opportunities they are. Don’t worry, I’m not going to try to convince you to see them as an opportunity. Another day 😅.
I believe that one of the most valuable things we can do is invite people into our lives that we trust enough to be our metaphorical mirror. We so often try to avoid that part of ourselves and can usually get away with it because things are going well enough. However, the freedom and depth we find when we become strongly acquainted with that spot on our back through a trusting relationship is incredible. To have a person who has your back, knows your weaknesses, and wants to support you through them is unbelievable. So my invitation is either to reach out to the person you already do this with, or think of someone who could be your mirror and schedule something for this week or next. I’m saying text them right now!
My mirrors include my wife, my mom, a good friend, and recently, a new therapist (therapists and some coaches are great mirrors because they often come polished and have no agenda to fog things up).
Ideally, we have 2-4 people who can do this for us, but making sure you have at least one should be non-negotiable. It could be your best friend, therapist, spouse, coach, pastor…you get what I’m saying. Your kids will be better off. Your spouse will be better off. Your life will be better off.
Last thing…I want to keep this focused on you, but if you are wanting to go super-parent mode, I encourage you to support your family to find these people in their lives. Kids, in particular, can benefit greatly when they have these people early on. It can be hard to be a mirror for your kids even if you really want to – I’m still hoping my 22-year-old brother will let me be one for him (I’m probably too bossy with him to be surprised he says no).
Go spend some time with your mirrors, and I will see you in a couple weeks.
