Ah, the joys of parenting: One minute you’re snuggling your kiddo, basking in unconditional love. The next, you’re quietly Googling “Why do I feel like my marriage is falling apart after having kids?” Don’t worry, you’re not the only one. If you’re searching for the secrets to a connected family, you’re in the right place—and you’re definitely not alone.
When Love Grows, So Does Stress
There’s nothing like the arrival of a baby to turbocharge the love in your life (and also the stress). Suddenly, there’s less sleep, less time for yourself, and—let’s be honest—less time for your partner. Bringing a child home can feel magical and bonding. Raising that child? Sometimes it’s less “Notebook” and more “Survivor: Domestic Edition.” Especially if you and your partner have, let’s say, different approaches to parenting. If your partner’s idea of “bedtime routine” makes you twitchy, you’re not imagining things—parenting style clashes can mean daily, sometimes hourly, micro-annoyances that wear away at connection.
You Are So Not Alone
So, what do couples do? Some avoid tricky topics and tiptoe around each other (which, according to The Gottman Institute, is the opposite of what helps). Others bicker and battle it out. The only thing you can’t do is ignore it—because your kids will keep doing challenging stuff whether it’s a good time for you or not.
If you’re nodding along, trust me, you’ve got plenty of company. I see it every week in my practice. I’ve also lived it. I once dreamed of being that picture-perfect parent with a best-friend spouse and kids who all turned out like the Von Trapps. Well, not every dream comes true—but my boys are, at least, good enough humans that I’m not putting them up for adoption anytime soon.
The Wobbly Stool Theory
Over the years, I’ve found that building a close, connected family is like sitting on a three-legged stool. If one of the legs is wonky, you’re going to wobble, no matter how hard you try to balance.
1. Parenting Skills
It takes actual skills to raise kids who feel secure and loved—even though social media would have you believe it’s all about matching outfits and bento lunches. The healthiest families are led by parents who think about how they parent, not just what comes naturally. Janet Lansbury points out that conscious, reflective parenting—not just “winging it”—is key for long-term family connection.
2. Self-Awareness of the Parent
You can read all the parenting books ever written (ask me how I know), but if your own stress levels are sky-high, all those great strategies can fly straight out the window. I’ve watched my “parenting wisdom” evaporate the minute I’m triggered, as if every article I ever read was suddenly written in invisible ink. As Dr. Laura Markham at Aha! Parenting reminds us, emotional self-awareness and regulation are the foundations of real connection with our kids.
3. Healthy Partnership
Here’s the deal: Families run best when the adults are genuinely close, loving, and at least occasionally well-rested. Calm parents = calmer kids. This goes for every setup: marriage, co-parenting, single parenting. Relationship stress is contagious (as in: if you’re tense, everyone else gets jumpy too). On the flip side, warmth and playfulness also catch on—so never underestimate a silly face or an inside joke at the dinner table. Again, the Gottman Institute has loads of research showing that relationship health between adults is the backbone of a thriving family.
This isn’t a comprehensive list, but every family I see thriving has some measure of all three—skills, self-awareness, and partnership.
Some Food for Thought
Which of these three “legs” is your strong suit? Which could use a little help? (No shame—everyone’s stool wobbles sometimes.) Have you been avoiding the obvious, hoping it’ll just get better? Here’s a research-backed fun fact: Most couples wait an average of four years after trouble starts before reaching out for couples therapy. That’s like ignoring the “check engine” light until you’re on the side of the freeway with smoke billowing out. Go while the lump is small, not when you need a total overhaul!
Same goes for parent coaching: Many parents don’t reach out until their child’s behavior feels unmanageable. It’s never too late, but changing course earlier makes the journey a whole lot smoother. Family therapy and parent coaching aren’t admissions of failure—they’re gifts for your whole crew.
Your Childhood, Revisited (Sorry)
Parenting has a sneaky way of bringing up old stuff. Maybe you, like me, were raised in a home where anger was the enemy. So when my boys got mad, I got madder. (Shoutout to all the “we don’t do anger here” alumni.) To raise emotionally intelligent kids, I had to get comfy with my own emotions—and face a few childhood ghosts. It wasn’t always pretty, but it made all the difference.
Don’t Miss Your Chance
If your family feels a little off-track, don’t wait. You probably know, deep down, what needs to change. It’s not easy, but it is possible. The years really do fly by (just ask the restaurant server I met who blinked and found her kid off to college). She told me, “I missed my chance.” I hope you don’t.
Here’s wishing you the courage to create the connected family you want. Wobbly stools and all—you’ve got this.
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