Hello, Kerry here!
I’m writing from Goshen, Indiana where I am visiting my dad in his hometown. Goshen is known for its RV factories and for being in the heart of Amish country. Horses and buggies share the roads with cars, and Amish folks made up about half the people at the restaurant and the ice cream shop we visited. It’s just a little different than Denver. 😉
My question on this trip has been, “What makes my dad a father whose kids and grandkids adore him?” That leads to the larger question: What makes any of us parents that our kids want to be with when they are grown and have a choice about how often they see us? There are as many answers as there are parents, but a glimpse at my dad informs how I try to be with my kids, especially now that they’re out of the house.
I asked my dad what he’s done to make his kids like being around him. His first response was, “Enjoy being around them.” Wow. So simple. But so powerful. Who doesn’t like being around someone who really enjoys your company?
@theattachmentnerd (Eli Harwood) says the same thing when she teaches how important it is to “Light Up” when your kids walk in the room to let them know we delight in them.
My dad also said, “Be patient. Be kind.” Easy for him to say; he seems wired for that. For most of us, though, including yours truly, it takes work to master the art of patience and kindness. But watching his kids and grandkids enjoy staying in touch with him as he ages is inspiration for putting in the reps of patience and kindness now.
If you’d ask me what my dad has done over the years that makes me WANT to pick up the phone to call him, I’d say he showed up. He was there.
When I was a girl, he’d lie on the floor on Sunday afternoons listening to music with headphones on and a bowl of popcorn next to him. He was relaxed and content in my presence. If I needed help fixing something, he’d happily help. If I had a question, he enjoyed answering it. This has continued throughout adulthood where he has showed up to help and listen, time and again.
Mind you, as a therapist I really, really get it how many people have had tough dads. The damage from harsh parents is the root of so much therapeutic work. But I’m sharing this reflection about my dad because we can either say how we DON’T want to be as parents or we can look at people who have done it well and we can learn from them. Or both. My dad is one version of how to do it well. And for those who had harsher parents, putting in the work now to heal those wounds can have long lasting benefits.
Here are my personal aspirations to be a parent like my dad. What are yours?
- Manage my stress so that I am calm and my kids can feel relaxed in my presence.
- Don’t give unasked-for advice, but be available when kids ask for my perspective.
- Be interested and interesting.
- Know my place. As these kids mature, I’m no longer their boss (and perhaps it’s an illusion that I ever was). That’s taken me a minute to figure that out and I’m still working on it. If I’m lucky, though, I can be one of their consultants.
- Recognize that we are not entitled to the inner thoughts of our older kids; rather, it’s an honor if they share with us.
Regardless of who raised us, we all have the chance to define who and how we are to the next generation.
Wishing you a lifetime of connection and close relationships with your kids.
And dad, I know you read these emails. Thank you for being my role model. When I watch your kids and grandkids choose to be around you, I always think to myself, “You earned this.”
