Does Your Teen Feel Loved? 5 Steps to Make Sure.

July 14, 2024

In my therapy office recently, a mom and her 16-year-old daughter discussed their Love Languages. This was relevant to improving their relationship because understanding your teen’s preferred way of receiving and giving love (words, acts, time, gifts, touch) can strengthen your relationship.

Mom’s Love Language is “Acts of Service.” So when she delivers her daughter’s clean and folded laundry to her room, it feels like an act of love. So many of her mom-tasks feel like she is showering love on her daughter. Imagine how she feels when those lovingly folded clothes end up strewn about on his floor. It’s like she has taken her love, dumped it upside down, and tossed it around. Might it be reasonable to expect that she’d get fired up about those clothes lying on the floor? Yep! I mean, those aren’t just clothes, they are her demonstrations of love. But to her daughter, It means nothing. They are just clothes.

On the other hand, the daughter’s Love Language is “Quality Time.” Acts of Service mean little to her, but she loves it when her mom spends time with her watching a show, cooking together, and going places. So if she asks her mom to hang out and she’s busy, she feels rejected and not loved.

Yikes! If we don’t know our kids’ Love Languages, we miss so many opportunities to help them feel our love deep inside their complicated, sometimes confusing hearts.

Suggestion: Have your family members take the Love Language test. Here’s the link. I recommend that you take the teen version because it gives more detailed scoring.

Next, practice speaking a broader range of love languages with your family. Here are some examples:

1. Quality Time

One-on-one activity: Plan a weekly outing you both enjoy, whether it’s grabbing coffee, going for a hike, tossing a ball, or watching a movie.

Undistracted conversation: Put away your phone and truly listen when your teenager wants to talk about their day or interests.

Family game night: Organize a board game or video game night where everyone can relax and have fun together.

2. Words of Affirmation

Leave handwritten notes: Surprise your tween/teen with encouraging notes left in their backpack or around the house.

Compliment their efforts: Acknowledge their hard work in school, extracurricular activities, or chores around the house.

Tell them you’re proud: Express your pride in their accomplishments, big or small, to show your love and support.

3. Acts of Service

Help with a project: Offer to help them with a school project, chore they dislike, fold laundry together, help them pack for a trip.

Make their favorite meal: Cook their favorite dinner or prepare a special breakfast to show you care about their well-being. Bring them a snack or drink just to be sweet.

Fix stuff: Sew a button, untangle a necklace, teach them how to fix whatever is broken. It’s not about the task; it’s about being available for them.

4. Gifts

Thoughtful gifts: Surprise them with a small gift related to their hobbies or interests, showing you pay attention to what they like. Bring home a treat from the grocery store. Order and wrap something they’ve been wanting.

Help them save for something: Contribute towards a bigger purchase they’ve been saving up for, demonstrating your support for their goals.

Experiences over things: Consider tickets to a concert, sporting event, or amusement park to create lasting memories together. Wrap tickets like the gift they are and give it to them.

5. Physical Touch

Hugs and high fives: Initiate appropriate physical touch like hugs, high fives, or back pats to show affection.

Offer a shoulder massage: After a long day, offer to give them a shoulder massage to help them relax and unwind.

Respect their boundaries: Always be mindful of their personal space and only initiate touch they seem comfortable with.

What is your Love Language and how does it line up with your kid’s Love Language? I’m logging off now to go hang with my son while he changes his brakes because “Quality Time” is his Love Language. 😀

Enjoy broadening the ways you think about showing love to your kids. For me, I don’t like to get locked into just one, I like to think about how to expand my repertoire of ways I show love. Now I’m off to the garage…….

Kerry Stutzman

My therapy, parent training, and speaking practice are born out of a passion for making the most of this thing called Life. I see the world through the lens of relationships. My work is all about how we relate – to ourselves, to people in our lives, and to the Divine. I especially love helping parents be their best selves… because that is good for their kids and is the foundation of close, connected families.